Trying To Find a Balance

 I have been celibate since my birthday on August 7th, 2008. So far, so good. I wouldn’t describe it as being a hard thing to do because the decision was wholly mine…not driven by religious implications or the advice of another. I just got tired of casual sex with men who’s last names I didn’t even know or remember. Men who I barely liked and definitely didn’t love. Am I the only one who can’t remember the last names of most of the people I have slept with? I hope not because then I will feel like one ol’ whore. Oh well, so be it.

I never really had a big sex drive in the first place, and this has sometimes caused strife in my more serious relationships. They would want sex all the time…I would become resentful and feel as if I am being used. This would lead to them feeling rejected, and me becoming even more resentful for being misunderstood. When someone tells you they love you for the first time, during an orgasm, is it true love?

 I am not 18 or even 21 anymore (the big 3-0 is fast approaching) and one thing I have learned over the years is the true definition of love. It isn’t exactly what we see in those sappy romance movies…it’s much more gritty than that. Love cleans up it’s lovers vomit when they are sick. Love is putting up with things that usually annoy you because they just don’t matter much anymore. Love is noticing your lover is getting fat, but still wanting to give them a hug. Love =’s loyalty. Also, you have to be careful with building it. You meet someone over the Internet or on a blind date…you hang out and then have sex the same day…then you try to build a friendship while you are still having sex…then you claim you love the person. For me, this blueprint is all wrong. I have come to the conclusion that sex should be the last ingredient. Get to know the person, build a relationship, fall in love, then have sex.  Wouldn’t it be a glorious experience to become physically intimate (for the first time) with someone you are in love with and know on more than just a basic level? I envy the virgins…hold on to it and be choosy if you happen to be one.

What about marriage before sex? This is something I get a little nervous about because with the “lifestyle” I have been leading, marriage is pretty much illegal. I have never even been with a woman sexually and for some reason I am more curious about it than ever. I am fed up with men. I like feeling close to another man, the comradery, but the idea of sex with them has started to totally turn me off. A couple days ago I went on craigslist and posted an ad just to see how I would feel about the responses. After reading “What are you into?” “Are you a top or bottom” etc. etc. (it gets worse) over and over I became even more jaded and comfortable in my decision to be celibate. I am not saying that I am now straight and want a woman, but the idea makes me feel curious. Wary too. The female anatomy doesn’t seem appeal to me much, but I like the idea of protecting and looking out for a woman. What does this mean for me? I am not sure yet.

Is suppressing your sexual desire a good thing? Is it healthy even? This may be a little TMI for some but…it seems that every since I have been on this path my dreams involve sex more and more. I wonder if this is happening because I am not allowing myself sexual release in the real world. So many options and questions, so little time. Enough contemplating, until I figure it all out I will just remain celibate and see what happens next. *sigh*

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